I know that Fox News employs Tomahawk Lahren for the sole reason of riling up their aging, frightened base and “triggering the libs” with her scathing, hot takes on every issue (as long as it involves a black person she can belittle or insult). I know that there’s a theory if we ignore her, she’ll go away, but I’ve always felt that hiding ourselves from morons only makes the morons think they’re not morons, and are in fact in charge of shit, which I am totally positive Tubetob Lompoc is not.
I do actually understand the purpose that she serves, is what I’m trying to get at. But what I don’t understand is why she talks the shit she does on a forum like Twitter. On Fox, Travesty can just screech, bleat, shout, and motormouth her way through segment after segment. If someone challenges her opinion, she can cut their mic or run over them verbally. On social media, though, unless she blocks someone, their comments can be read by anyone and everyone, and the only people I see get dragged harder in their own tweets are Donald Trump and his dopey-ass namesake Don Jr.
Take for instance today, when Thomas tweeted about Sen. Cory Booker announcing that he’s running for president in 2020. I’m sure that Lorenzo’s Oil probably thought she was really nailing Booker. And I’m sure, in her dented mind she was only speaking to her fans, and no one else. So that’s why she went with a sarcastic “laugh” like this, and not some erudite, well-conceived argument to why Booker is the wrong choice, I’m sure.
Cory Booker? Hahahahahahahahahahaha. #Trump2020
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) February 1, 2019
LOL, just kidding. Tammy is stupid as fuck, and I can all but promise you that “Hahahahahahahahahahaha” is literally the most intellectually stimulating thing that came out of her mouth. I don’t know about what stimulating things came into her mouth, but I’m sure if Ayn Rand were alive today, Timbo would slurp all of that misanthropic clit. Too much?
Anyway, as you can imagine, someone as vapid and fuckmuppety as Trout-farm Louisiana having the audacity to mock Cory Booker’s presidential run made Twitter erupt with trollery. Imagine being Sarah Palin without the political experience, or Michele Bachmann without the short-lived career in politics, and thinking you have the high ground. Imagine being Tis-the-season Linguine and thinking you’re smarter or more capable of being president than Cory Booker, and I’m saying that as someone who wouldn’t necessarily knee-jerk vote for the guy.
Needless to say, the clapback Tabby-Cat got was too good not to share with you all.
You can usually count on Tony Posnanski for a good pithy comeback on Timothy’s tweets. Here he reminds her that she’s not even remotely on the same playing field as a sitting senator with an Ivy League pedigree.
He went to Stanford and Yale. You went to your parents bathroom to give final thoughts.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) February 1, 2019
This person brought up a good point. Is this the kind of commentary Fox News and its viewers want? Short answer: SHUT UP, LIBTARD!
They pay you for political commentary? And this is all you have to say?
— Mitchell Burney (@BurneyMitchell) February 1, 2019
Normally I think “reversing the joke” is a pretty lazy way to clap back. But I’ll allow it because you know if Tilex Lego read it, you know it would make her angry and sad.
Tomi Lahren? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
— Greg McNamara (@McNamaraGreg) February 1, 2019
Zero lies detected.
You know you’re only famous because you scream MAGA bumper sticker slogans and have dyed out blonde hair…
— TOᑭ ᖇOᑭE TᖇAViS (@TopRopeTravis) February 1, 2019
I fucking love dry sarcasm. Especially when it’s used against a dry orgasm like Tomboy.
Sharp and insightful criticism as always, Tony.
— David Carty (@David_Carty) February 1, 2019
Glorified Barbie doll.
I’m not a Booker fan, but you have some nerve laughing at anyone. You’re a glorified Barbie doll who can string sentences together at times.
— Frederick Joseph (@FredTJoseph) February 1, 2019
This is high-quality low-key shade.
So anyway my son is in kindergarten & kids that age will just act out to get attention. They don’t grow out of it unless their insecurities are dealt with.
Not sure what made me think of that. 🤔
— Bridget Brown (@Bridget_Brown_) February 1, 2019
I won’t lie; I laughed way too hard at this reply. It had everything though — reframing her dumb tweet and making it better. Bonus points for the GIF that shows what we all feel when we Theramin’s voice or see her face.
Tomi Lahren? pic.twitter.com/OPMAXldpzx
— Nick Rocchio (@bamarock15) February 1, 2019
So. Fucking. Savage.
But—-he works on the Senate Floor and you work on your parents bathroom floor. 🧐🧐🧐🧐
— Claudia Jordan (@claudiajordan) February 1, 2019
I think for her to be the fourth wife, she’ll have to beat out his first daughter.
Talentless Lobotomy? Hahahahahahahahahaha#Trumpwifenumberfour2021
— Bradley Brown (@Bradley_G_Brown) February 1, 2019
Maybe this is petty, but you know it actually grates on Tylenol.
Just to add to the various comments, he has 2 extra million followers on Twitter. Just saying.
— Giada #FBPE #TheResistance🇪🇺🌊 (@GirlGiada) February 1, 2019
And I think we can just end it with this one, since it says so very much so very perfectly.
— Llonya (@Lonya53) February 1, 2019
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.