Three Tweets Are All You Need to Know Dan Crenshaw is a Moron

I know you’re supposed to tread lightly when you criticize vets who have been injured in the line of duty, but can we please talk about how stupid freshman Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw is? Because his tweets belie a man who is far more partisan than patriot, and I think it’s time, now that he’s an elected public official, to hold him publicly accountable for some of the most self-evidently moronic stuff he’s tweeted or posted on social media. If the Republicans are going to pretend that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is the democratic socialist version of Sarah Palin — an extremely laughable proposition when you actually compare their educational backgrounds — then we get to pick apart the cycloptic congressman, no matter how he lost his eye.

I know blind people with more sense and logical ability than Crenshaw, so let’s not pretend his injured veteran status has anything to do with, or should shield him from, criticism for stupid shit he says in even stupider ways. If you’re unaware of Dan Crenshaw, he’s the guy that SNL star Pete Davidson brought on just after the midterms to apologize to for making fun of him in a Weekend Update sketch. Crenshaw made a good name for himself by not taking himself so seriously, and even seemed to give lip service to eschewing partisan politics when he was in office.

But, well, Danny’s tweets have shown that he is, in fact, not willing to rise above partisan politics. His tweets also show his propensity for moronic thoughts.

Take for instance this tweet, which Crenshaw sent the weekend of the March for Life in D.C. You’ll remember that was the rally that gave us the Covington Catholic story of good, sweet nature white boys’ racist taunts of a native man, which we’re told was necessary because unrelated, other people hurt the MAGA boys’ fee-fees. There are so many things wrong with this tweet, it’s laughable.

-There were plenty of news stories about the March for Life, they just got drowned out by the Covington boys acting like a bunch of braying jackasses at a segregated lunch counter.

-Buzzfeed didn’t lie; that’s not what Mueller said. Mueller’s team said that the Buzzfeed/Cohen article was “inaccurate” without giving any hints as to what was inaccurate. There could have been any number of things accurate about the story, as well.

-Nobody slandered the Covington Boys. There was a rush to judgment, but the full context of the video doesn’t exonerate a bunch of privileged, pasty white teenagers for their abhorrent racism. Being treated like shit by one group doesn’t give you permission to be racist to someone, particularly when that someone is a direct descendant of American genocide, perpetrated by a mostly white populace.

-It’s not slander to correctly point out that the school is anti-LGBTQ. Dan — and everyone defending Karen Pence — just don’t like the fact that in 2019, it is in fact a bad thing in most peoples’ eyes to work for an outwardly hostile anti-LGBT employer. That’s not slander, though Douchebeard the Pirate.

And then you have this tweet. No one is surprised, I’m sure, that Crenshaw is a pro-wall. He’s from Texas and is a Republican. If he didn’t support the wall, that would be news. As stupid as I think the wall is, even that’s not the reason this tweet demonstrates Dan’s stupidity. Basically, the entire tweet is Dan admitting that the wall won’t work to stop the two things that he and his party claim it will, and that he’s just demanding a wall because he personally witnessed a thousand people entering the country illegally.

Wait. What?

First of all, I googled “Dan Crenshaw 1000 illegal immigrants” and literally got zero results for any news stories of a thousand person bust. Not even of a couple hundred, or even a few dozen. So it would seem that Dan either imagined seeing those thousand people crossing, or he could be making shit up. But his party only makes up weapons of mass destruction and Clinton murder conspiracy theories so…???

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But I think this tweet of Crenshaw’s is the winner for Stupidest of All Time…for this week. So the Patriots won the Super Bowl and this was Dan’s hot take on it, which I’m sure he was really stoked with himself for crafting, because it’s such a sweet way to shoehorn politics into the current event. Except, well, let’s pick his shit apart a bit, shall we?

  1. The NFL was one of the first professional sports leagues to pretty much fully embrace socialism. Oh, you don’t think so MAGA Guy? What do you call “revenue sharing” then? Oh, right, it’s sports socialism. That revenue sharing is a major reason that the NFL is so competitive because it, wait for it, levels the playing field and gives smaller market — or POORER — teams a fairer chance to compete. The NFL also has a fucking SALARY CAP. If there is anything that is borderline communist it’s literally limiting how much someone can be paid, and yet, here we are.

  2. What? The actual fuck? Like, seriously, Dan…what are we going to tax? The Patriots’ points? Because in order for your ham-fisted bullshit analogy to work, you’d only be taxing points past a certain number, like, say, 10 million. Or if you want, we can keep it football relevant, and say, 24 points, since that’s three TDs and a field goal. But we’d only be taxing the points from 25 and beyond, so in order to make up the 10 point deficit that…you know what? I think it’s obvious how idiotic this tweet is, but I’ll put AOC’s clapback to it at the end of the article, so you can see one more way in which it’s the dumbest dumb to ever dumb.

Take it away, AOC.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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